Cooperation Counts

Adults often think that kids haven’t heard things that parents have tried to keep from them. A large percentage of the time, this is not so.

SOME QUESTIONS
What do kids do with material they aren’t supposed to hear?
How can they make sense of things that are not meant for their ears?
Who helps them to sort out their questions and thoughts?
Who even knows what those questions and thoughts are?
What happens when they don’t have help with them?

SOME THOUGHTS
When a child is confused, frustrated, out of sorts, they are often questioned about their tummies, the amount of sleep they have or have not had, friend issues, upsets about not being able to have a sleep-over, etc.  These are all valid inquiries but sometimes there are other causes for confusion, frustration, worry, anger, etc.  The list is endless when a child has heard something they have no idea how to process and no one even knows that there is an area of trouble.

SOME ANSWERS
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that sometimes adults have no idea what is bothering a child, and just as often the child doesn’t know either.  Being sensitive to what the children hear is one good place to start. This is a simple response to complicated matters, but it is an area that can be addressed.

TOMMY’S TALE
Tommy, age ten, knew that something was happening, but his parents were sure that he didn’t know anything about the fact that his maternal grandmother had received a cancer diagnosis, would have chemotherapy treatments for the next three months, and that the outcome was unknown.  Tommy’s parents took every precaution to keep this news from him, as it was their best judgment that it would be too much for him. They also hoped that the outcome would be good, in which case their child would be spared needless worry.

As time went on, there were signs that Tommy was ‘not quite right’, but his parents were SURE this had nothing to do with anything other than the usual disappointments and challenges that come up in a child’s everyday life. Then Tommy began awakening in the night.  He suddenly developed headaches and he became moody.  Still, Tommy’s parents did not even consider that he was worried about his grandmother.  After all, they were positive that he knew absolutely nothing about the difficulty. In reality, Tommy had heard a lot and was in deep distress, with no one to help. After all, his parents hadn’t actually told him about his grandmother, and he felt that talking to them might make them even more upset than they already were.

Tommy said nothing.  He was alone with his sadness.

Fortunately, not long after Tommy had become so troubled, his parents asked a few sensitive questions, and Tommy was able to reveal his deep confusion and concern. He was lucky to have parents who were not satisfied to accept their initial explanation for Tommy’s upset—yet another aspect of thoughtful parenting.

It is an understatement to say that parenting presents challenges every step of every day and along every way.  There are no easy answers, and even if we were to come up with one, the scene changes in the blink of an eye and we are searching, yet again, for another solution.

It is always handy to have some phrases available that might have even a small chance of helping, but at least we know that they will do no harm.

Consider phrases that let our children know that they have been heard, but no one is being challenged to problem-solve in the middle of trouble.

Even though tempting, consider banning “Calm down.”  “It’s not that bad.”  “I can’t believe you’re upset about…..again!”  “Why are you acting like this?” “What’s the matter with you?”  “Why did you do that?”

Replace with:

“I hear you.”
“I’m going to try to help.”
“Tell me more.”
“What happened then?”

“This is important.  I’m going to write it down so that we can take a better look at it again.”

Asking or telling anyone to do anything in times of trouble is counterproductive.

Letting the kids know that they are being heard is vital.

Doing so is worthy of the all important Patient Parent Trophy !

Ella (17) and Kim (14) had been through a lot, as they had experienced years of parental fighting. Their parents were now divorced, over the past two years there had been no serious scenes, and the girls visited their Dad every week end. In the big picture, things were going well, but no one disputed the reality that the years of turbulence had taken an emotional and behavioral toll on all of them.

One scene that was hard for everyone was the fact that Kim cried very easily, especially when Ella teased and criticized her. Both parents had spoken to the kids multiple times but the situation continued full steam ahead.

A new family effort was launched.  Everyone learned the Cooperation Counts program.  The goal was for the adults to let the kids know when they were serious minus lectures, nagging, and punishments, while lavishing them with well deserved praise for their many wonderful choices.  Ella and Kim’s parents wanted to get the kids’ attention and give them the power that they had had all along, to decide whether or not to cooperate with their adults.  There would be positive outcomes for their good choices, and accountability in the form of quick, meaningful, and over-with-quickly consequences when the kids decided to make poor choices.  Their family goal was to get through the tough times minus criticism, hostility, and negativity and to move on to the fun business of enjoying each other, with at least one target area of less crying and teasing between the girls.

At first, the parents were skeptical about implementing such a program with their teen daughters; however, very quickly that skepticism disappeared.

Let’s back up for a little bit and focus on 17 yr. old Ella.  You see, she had always longed to have a car and earlier in the year, her wish had been granted.  She had maintained good grades, had shown ability to be responsible in many areas and her entire (extended) family had surprised her with a shiny but in great condition used car!  Talk about ecstacy!  Ella was completely thrilled!

Unfortunately, this excitement lasted for only a short time, as Ella decided to make a poor choice.  The State rule was that for a certain period of time after receiving one’s license, no peer could be driven in the car without an adult at the wheel.  Oops.  You guessed it.  Ella not only broke the rule one sunny afternoon, but she lied about the details and had been ‘busted’.  The longed for car was immediately parked in the driveway and the keys were in a location known only to her parents.

Back to basics.  Ella continued to tease Kim.  Kim continued to be in tears much more often than was necessary.  The sad scenes continued consistently.

The one thing that was different was that Ella’s parents had her attention.  The gorgeous car was, sadly, unavailable to Ella.

Enter the world of Cooperation Counts.

The family had a meeting and Kim was encouraged to share what it was like for her when Ella teased her.  She shared that she had always hoped that Ella would ‘act like I’m not a jerk.  You mean a lot to me and I hate it when you think I’m stupid.”  Ella said that was completely crazy and she had no idea why Kim would think like that.

It was agreed:  The dangerous refusal to follow the State and family car rules was an automatic 3.  Sadly, the work-off of that 3 was that the car would remain parked for a month.  Usually, a work-off of a 3 is over and done with quickly; however, in the world of driving the issues are potentially life threatening, resulting in a 30 day ‘rest’ for both Ella AND the beloved car.  Any 3’s that Ella decided to get -off would result in the same work-off- the loss of the car for one more day at a time.

Everyone would be pleased when the two could be reunited.  In the meantime, they were carefully WATCHING for times when Ella decided to make good choices, including being kind to Kim.

This is a true story.  The improvement in the girls’ relationship was nothing short of miraculous.  At the time of the writing of this blog post, 19 days remained until the hoped-for-by-everyone-reuniting-with-keys-and-car by Ms. Ella was in consistent countdown mode with absolutely no number added to the number 30 of the parked shiny vehicle.

And best of all, Kim had not shed a tear in the hurt feelings sister department in the exact same number of days related to the parked car!

Now, the way was cleared for the family to be able to spend some time together on the ‘real’ issues in their relationships, when everyone was calm and when the location of the car was parked in the driveway, or out on the open road!

I believe in miracles!

The following story was sent to me by a Cooperation Counts Mom who agreed to let me share it with other families. Shawn is 10 years old.

“I think the big lessons we’re learning over time are to understand Shawn, build a deep relationship, be structured and be willing to flex. Example – Saturday the anxiety about returning to school today after a week off cranked up. This morning he woke up wound tight, said he would NOT go to school, wanted to stay home and rest, too tired to go, hates school, hates the art teacher because he always gets corrected, wants to be home schooled…. It’s always hard to go back to school after a break when we connect well as parent and child.

Instead of fighting it I said ok, I’ll stay here in bed, snuggle you, get a cat for us to snuggle for a while. He gradually settled down. Asked to use TV and I said no, if he needed to rest then we would rest. He said he was tired but couldn’t sleep anymore. I said let’s let our bodies wake up naturally and gradually. Eventually got him gently to shower, he got dressed, went into school – I gave him 5 stars this morning from combined total of steps!

He walked into school an hour late but he walked in on his own with no physical or verbal fighting at home, no trying to make him go into the school building. I’m confident he’ll do even better tomorrow.

I could have screamed or just had an ugly tone of voice, told him not to be a baby, etc. but this way felt oh so much better for both of us.”

*  *  *  *
Bringing out the best in everyone is an attainable goal.  Keeping ourselves open to using creative, make-sense ways to get through trouble times is worthy of a Parent Trophy!

Parenting is really about warmly connecting with our children.

In the land of light, it is expected that the intricate process of wires and other things I don’t understand result in a light bulb lighting. The switch is turned on, and let there be light!  A bad connection is easily fixed by replacing the bulb, the switch, re-working the wiring or even replacing the lamp, flashlight, etc.

Relationships with each other and with our children are much more complicated, but just as there needs to be a source of light in the night, connecting with our kids in ways that matter can happen in simple but effective ways.

Without properly working connections, lights fade, but
the good news is that in real life relationships with only a little effort by the adults, kids of all ages can be emotionally filled up nicely by thoughtfully adjusting ourselves.

Molly, age ten, was having a doozy of a meltdown at an interesting time of day. It was time to get going to school, she ‘hated’ her socks, had gotten as far as the back steps near the car, minus socks, while Billy and Joan had jumped into the car for their ride to school. Yes, Dad was not only the driver for Molly but also for his two car-poolers!  He knew that he could order Molly into the car plus socks or no socks, he could ‘wait it out’, he could lecture her about creating a scene where everybody was going to be late because of her, but he did none of that.  He decided to ask the car-poolers to entertain themselves in the car for a few minutes and he sat quietly next to raging Molly as she continued her tirade.  He  called school and let the school secretary know that the three  children might be late but that if they were, he would come in and get them settled and he continued to sit with Miss Miserable Molly.  Soon he put his arm around her and she didn’t object.  Dad just sat, asking nothing of her, just waiting.  He glanced in the car and gave the car poolers a smile along with a thumbs up, and after a few minutes, Molly began to wind down.  He held her close and when she was done, she announced that she didn’t want to wear any socks but was ready to get her shoes on and get into the car.  Dad wiped away her tears, gave her another hug, they took a deep breath together, and she hopped into the car where the others greeted her warmly. Dad assured everyone that if they were late, he would make sure that it was excused, as it had been important to help Molly through a hard time.

Dad had connected with Molly in ways that respected the fact that she was having a tough time.  While it is often tempting to blurt out impulsive responses to our ‘not in the best of moods’ offspring; taking the time to listen to troubles, even loud troubles, leads to a much brighter outcome!

Meet the H. Family: Mom and Dad, five-year-old twins, Thomas and Abby, and fourteen month old Ophelia.  The twins had so many stars on their charts that it was decided there would be a special star party. Cupcakes had been made, decorated, and arranged on a special plate for the big celebration.  They were beautiful!

The plan was to read off the kids’ stars before everyone dived into the treats. Mom and Dad shared the fun of reading off one star deed at a time.  There was clapping and cheering for each one and everyone was smiling from ear to ear.

Then, ‘it’ happened.  Dad noticed that there was one empty space in the spectacular cupcakes arrangement.

Oh-oh.  Just before the party, Thomas had taken one—without permission. But never fear!  There was a plan.  After the cheers for the wonderful star choices, it was time to dig in. But first Mom said, very pleasantly.  “O.K.  Let’s check your charts.” The kids’ eyes got wide.

Mom checked the charts and read off, again very pleasantly,, “O.K.   Abby- you are free and clear.  I see no 3′s to work off”.   Then, “Thomas.  Oh no.  I see a 3—taking a cupcake without permission before the party.”  She paused, in good Cooperation Counts style and said, sadly and thoughtfully, “The work-off is……waiting for two minutes to eat the cupcakes….and the time starts NOW” , This was said in an upbeat way and the timer was set. No ‘bad-guy’ hat was anywhere in sight.  Mom wanted the cupcake to be connected with Thomas!

Everyone else dug in, oohing and ahhing with delight.  The cupcakes were perfect!

Thomas already had a cupcake on his plate. His hands hovered over it but HE DID NOT TOUCH IT.

Mom and Dad cheered him on, while eating, of course.  “Way to go, Thomas- only one more minute to go.”

Thomas’s hands continued to hover but did not touch the longed-for treat.  He knew that if he did, the time would,sadly, start over again. Everyone else cheered him on while they ate.

Then, the timer went off, the cheers got even louder for his wonderful, patient waiting. “WELL DONE”, said his proud parents.  “Waited for two minutes to eat the cupcake” was put on the work-off line of his 3’s chart and THOMAS DUG IN !

The point had been made.
No one’s feelings had been hurt.
Thomas had made a poor choice by taking a cupcake, illegally.
There was a consequence, but no punishment.
He decided to do his work-off beautifully, and then thoroughly enjoyed his yummy treat!

Discipline with dignity.  Thomas’s parents had his attention minus any lectures, yelling or punishments.

Delicious Mission Accomplished!

IT IS AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS when parents replace lectures and nagging by playing the game of using very few words, and then using even fewer!

IT IS AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS when kids hear, “This is our special time.”  Special time doesn’t have to be the going to Disney World variety.  Taking a walk, picking up toys together, eating breakfast, can fit the bill beautifully.  All that is needed is to think  those five words and the magic of connecting with our kids is right there!

IT IS AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS when adults use the same advice we give the kids: “Stop, think, and decide.”

IT IS AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS when we are in a hurry, but spend a moment with an unhappy child.  Actually, this approach can often get things moving faster than swinging into the ‘Captain of the Ship’ mode!

IT IS AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS when instead of telling a child what to do, we actively listen to them by saying, “Tell me more.”  “What was that like for you?”  “What happened then?”  “Oh my!” “Really?”

IT IS AMAZING WHAT HAPPENS when the adults stay calm.

Danny was 10 and he had a big temper, at least at home, but it seemed to disappear into thin air when he was at school or at a friend’s house.  Along came his brother Aiden, and then there was big trouble-in the form of aggression. The parents decided they needed another pair of hands and they hired a lovely Nanny who was immediately welcomed by everyone.

One week before Easter, they prepared  to go to their friends’ super-sensational-over-the-top Easter egg hunt. Preparing for this extravaganza was a family event as they decorated baskets and made outrageous bunny ears.

Nanny had incredibly creative ideas but one day Danny got mad at her, and in the blink of an eye HE SCRATCHED HER FACE.

This was a Cooperation Counts family and there were many stars on Danny’s chart when he was NOT aggressive. There were also 3’s and work-off’s, and everyone moved on. Then, there was the ‘scratched Nanny’s face’ 3. This was a Big Deal.

The unsafe act turned into an automatic 3 on his chart and his parents waited for the work-off that would be something really important to Danny, and that would, or would not happen no matter what he said or did. They also waited for a moment when no one was upset where his parents and Nanny did some ‘active listening’ about the sad scene.  At the same time, a safety rule was agreed upon and enforced.   Danny could not to be any closer than two adult arms lengths away from Nanny at all times.

On Easter morning, everyone practiced their songs, adjusted their fabulous bunny ears, got their incredible baskets and their parents checked the kids’ 3’s  charts before they left. The ‘scratching Nanny’ 3 was written on a scrap of paper and put in Dad’s pocket. Then, they hopped (literally) into the car and off they went.

Luck was with them.  They found a place to park where they had a great view of the hill for the hunt.

Just as they were preparing to hop out, the parents nodded to each other, and Dad said,  “This looks fabulous, but first let’s check the 3’s paper” and said calmly, “Aiden, I see no 3’s that need to be worked off. Great!  Danny, I see one 3-scratching Nanny”.  He paused briefly, as the program suggests, and said sadly, “The work-off is waiting for ten minutes to go to the hunt, and”, he added brightly, “The time starts…..NOW!”   Dad was not about to be the bad guy. Consequence?  Yes. Punishment?  No.

Mom and Aiden went off to the hunt.  Danny knew that he could complain or worse, but he also knew that the time would start over again if he messed around.

The hunt began!

Dad continued the countdown, enthusiastically. “Only 7 more minutes to go!”

“Only two more minutes to go.  Adjust your ears!!!!”

“Only one more minute to go!”  There were no lectures but then,
“Done! YES!  Let’s go to the hunt!”

They high-fived and hopped over to the in progress hunt where they picked up lots of treasures and had a great time!

“Good-bye 3, hello Easter Egg Hunt!”

It always seems to happen that kids (of all ages) manage to act up at the most inconvenient times: in public, when our attention needs to be elsewhere, when we have had zero sleep—you name it. There can be multiple reasons why these scenes shouldn’t occur, but the reality is that they do.

 

Note:  The children in this story are young; however, with a little creativity and a lot of determination, damage control can be adapted for all ages.

*  *  *

 

Five-year-old twins Kayla and Kyle were having their last day at Miss Polly’s Day Care. Kyle’s behaviors had been of major concern; he had punched and kicked his sister and his classmates, and even Miss Polly had not been spared. Kyle’s short fuse troubles spilled over to his parents’ jobs, putting them in jeopardy, as one of them was often called away to pick him up early, due to his hot temper, which sometimes led to clearly unsafe aggression.

 

I had been called in to help with the situation, and with some adjustments at home as well as at school, there had been no incidents of aggression reported for over three months. But then the family planned to move.

 

The kids had been prepared for this change in all sorts of incredibly creative ways, including visuals, field trips to the new house, age appropriate (and fun) good-byes to their house and neighbors.  Age appropriate (and more fun) hello’s had been said with their new neighbors.  The actual move was being done on the last day of day care, and it was vital that the kids ‘have their day’ there, so that the family could move forward—no pun intended.

 

There was a plan in place. I was going to be at day care on that last day, and I had agreed to follow the family after the move, at home as well as at the new day care center.

 

When I arrived on the dreaded last day, not only was Kyle acting up but so was Kayla!  Before I could even take off my jacket, several of the other children came running over to me complaining about trouble with the twins.  “Kayla grabbed my Teddy Bear and wouldn’t give him back.”  “Kyle  kicked me and my knee has a booboo!”   Miss Polly looked decidedly exhausted and it was only 10:00 in the morning.  Everyone pleaded with me to do something.

 

This was definitely the time for Damage Control since the kids were most likely not going to have a magic turn-around, the parents needed to get the move done during school hours, and Miss Polly needed to keep everyone safe.

 

It was recess time. Miss Polly and her aide supervised everyone except Kyle and Kayla. They were assigned to me.  I shadowed those children, even when they went in separate directions!  I bounced around from one to the other, preventing trouble, and believe me, there was a lot of prevention of a lot of trouble!  A plastic shovel turned into a potential weapon but…”No thank you, sir,” I said, taking it and challenging Kyle to run over to the slide.  Potential injury to little Lucy was averted, but there was no rest for the weary.  Kayla started throwing mulch around. “No thank you,“ I said, and insisted that I could run over to the fence much faster than she could.  Kayla won. Lucy lived.

 

Oh no!  Kyle was sitting at the bottom of the slide, with the other kids shouting for him to MOVE!’  “No thank you,” I said, scooped him up and deposited him next to the bottom of the ladder. When it was his turn to slide down, I turned into a NASCAR flagger sort of person and cheered him on to slide down FAST, hop off the slide and head for the ladder!

 

Another ‘Oh no!’  Kayla was mad at Scotty, who said it was his turn in the wagon and Kayla would not let him have it. I made up a new rule.  One minute in the wagon, out, back in. I held hands firmly with unhappy Kayla while we waited for the minute to go by. I cheered for Scotty to quickly hop out, Kayla got in and I held Scotty’s hand until it was his turn again.  More damage control.

 

I can honestly say that I do not ever recall being so happy to see the end of outside playtime!  Recess was over, but not until Kayla and Kyle created havoc in the going-inside line.  Quick!  More damage control!  I announced that the line needed two important people—a front of the line leader and the end of the line one—both very important jobs.  Miss Polly ‘escorted’ Kyle to the very important line leader position, I escorted very unhappy Kayla to the very important last in line position, and in we went.

 

I was exhausted but Kyle and Kayla had had fun at recess and one more wonderful thing had NOT happened: There was no blood!

RE-SETTING THE ADULTS:

An Environmental Make-Over

Adults are responsible for the family environment when things are going well as well as when they are not.  Since emotions are built into human nature, and most of us do not live on a desert island where the pace is slow, one can re-group under a palm tree or take a dip in warm, clear blue water, the pressures of the real world appear in shocking between-the-eyes fashion.  Sometimes we see complications coming and sometimes we don’t, but in the world of parenting there is hardly ever constant calm, cooperation, and wonderfulness.

Success is When a Child is Having a Meltdown and the Adult is Not

Years ago, I lived next door to a family that I admired tremendously.  I realized early on that I often heard their little girl, Renee, laughing loudly, objecting loudly, and everything in between loudly. I was in charge of our neighborhood garden and I loved everything about that ‘job’ which necessitated a lot of time outdoors. The summer that Renee turned five, it finally hit me. I certainly heard her voice, at various levels of joy and frustration, but I didn’t hear her parents, except during  the fun times!  They were noticeably absent in the ‘difficult’ ones.  I heard Renee yelling that she did NOT want to take a bath and would NOT go to bed.  I heard her begging for more ice cream….but I did not hear her parents.  Renee is now a charming eleven-year-old who definitely has her rough patches, but her parents remain calm.  I admire them tremendously.

Success is When Adults Can Take a Break, Even When Blood Pressure is Rising

This takes an enormous amount of self-control, determination and practice, but it can be done. After all, we ask our children to find ways to calm themselves, so it is vital that we find ways to do so as well. Some parents insist on formal centering exercises such as Yoga, Meditation, etc, but most of us are lucky if we can just keep up with the basics of busy households!  Taking a break doesn’t necessarily need to mean ‘checking out’ for a bit.  Playing with the kids could do the trick, if we put our minds to it.  Challenging a child to a race around the yard, doing jumping jacks with them (be careful, here!), even stopping everything and insisting on doing something fun together, could have take-a-break advantages.

When  Adults Use Negative Words and Tones, Re-Set

Adults have the advantage of being able to re-set ourselves.  “When I just yelled at you to put your dirty clothes into the hamper, that didn’t help anything.  I’m sorry.  I’ll get right back to you.” Regroup: “Tommy, please put the dirty clothes in the hamper.  That would be a big help.”  Whether or not Tommy decides to put the clothes in the hamper, the mood has been changed for the better and the situation can be dealt with then, or at another time when everyone is calm.

Yes, adults definitely hold the keys to environmental control, whether or not things are going smoothly. It is a known fact that there is a statistically high chance that there will be trouble a good percentage of the time, so we might as well have a plan!