Cooperation Counts

One family shares their experience with the Cooperation Counts program.  The following are excerpts from a series of emails over the past 4 months about their difficult situation, centered around their 4 yr. old son.

“The experience with you has been helpful and the results are impressive.  I went into this simply wanting more disciplined children. We got that but I didn’t expect that S. would actually become happier, and I am so pleasantly surprised by the turn around. For context, November 2011 was a low point. The tantrums were volcanic. We were at a loss and really didn’t know what to do. The saddest part was that most of the time, he seemed unhappy. He could be happy about 20% of the time – the other 80% ranged between grumpy, angry or really angry. That fact alone was crushing for us.

One hundred days later, S is a different child. The percentages have flipped – he is ticked off about 20% of the time (maybe less?) and we can live with that. The bigger story is that 80% of the time, he is somewhat happy or just plain happy. In that space, we are discovering the person that he is and we have loved getting to know him better. He has become much more expressive. He can be loving and affectionate. He also articulates what he doesn’t want in a more constructive way.

He’s far from perfect but the difference between today and November, 2011 is stark. I can’t help but think he got a better handle on his emotions and everything started trending in a better direction. A big reflection point for me is to never underestimate the power of momentum – this isn’t about fixing a problem, it’s about getting things moving in the right direction and doing the things necessary to keep them going in that same direction.

Saying things like, “oh, it’s all fixed or it is broken, again” doesn’t add much to the conversation. I am taking the time to reflect on this because

1) We want to be good parents and it is interesting to understand what makes our kids tick.

2) We are grateful and don’t take the progress for granted. I really didn’t think that all of this was possible so quickly (and I’m usually optimistic)

You mentioned in a recent email to enjoy our kids. We have certainly been doing that! We talked with the pediatrician’s office and based on our current description, they advised against the evaluations we had been considering, thinking it may not be useful at this juncture.

We may have him see someone at some point and we are considering some other things (giving him a rubber punching bag and other stuff as an outlet), but for now, our whole family is just happier!

How can such a huge problem be fixed so fast? You came in with star charts and 3 or 4 techniques and it got better, almost, overnight (no drugs for the kids or the parents).  I just didn’t think it was possible but I can’t argue with the results. I almost feel badly – there are a lot of people out there who are over thinking this stuff.

As I mentioned, the situation isn’t perfect. S. fell off the wagon in a big way about 2 weeks ago.  He was a mini horror show. In fairness, however, we fell off the wagon as well. The star chart had little attention for at least a week. I also found myself getting agitated and saying things like “I’m your father, THAT is why you should do it!” I should have known better. We re-committed our efforts to:

1)    Cheer for him

2)    Hold him accountable for sad choices

3)    Not get worked up and feed into his outbursts with our own emotions

4)    Cheer for him some more

Within 24 hours he was back to the “happier new S.”

The onus is on us to keep plugged into the program, to be on top of the positive reinforcement. We handed out more stars today and we are taking both boys to get their Golden Star awards. They have earned them and we are happy to celebrate!

If we authored a blog post, it would be titled “Falling Off the Wagon, and Getting Back On!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself!

THE COOPERATION COUNTS PROGRAM BASICS:

Having a Predictable Plan (Lining up our Ducks)

Believe it or not, if adults play our cards right, the outcome of kid choices about  whether or not to cooperate can turn into a win/win situation. First, there needs to be a plan in place that lets the kids know when their adults are serious, to hold the kids accountable for their choices in thoughtful, respectful ways, and to enjoy our children wholeheartedly, no matter what.

There is no one right way to parent but for sure, the ways we do so shapes the very fabric of the lives of each person in the family.  This is a mighty task and so we had better at least move forward in ways that will help, and definitely not harm.

Cooperation Counts!

Life-Saving Strategies for Parenting Toddlers to Teens

 Available on Amazon and other online retailers

Presenting the Cooperation Counts Program to the Kids

1 2 3

 Presenting the program in an upbeat way is essential. Have some fun with it. Gather the family. Give the information clearly and concisely without getting derailed onto any other subject. Hold up a sign with a 1, 2 and a 3. You can find one on the website www.cooperationcounts.com  or make your own. Then,

say something like this:

“We’ve decided that we want to cut down on yelling and nagging, so we’re going to use something called the Cooperation Counts system. That’s where YOU get to decide if you want to cooperate with us, or not. You will each have a 3’s chart and a Stars chart. When we ask you to cooperate with something, we’ll give you time warnings and then counting clues, so that you can think about what you want your choice to be.

“That’s 1” is OK but it means we’re serious, and now it’s up to you to decide whether or not to cooperate.

“That’s 2” is OK but it’s only three seconds away from the 3.

If you decide to cooperate by 1 or by 2, that’s great. You have decided to avoid the sad 3.

“That’s 3” is not OK because it will be put on your 3’s chart and will need to be worked off sometime when something is important to you, like when  someone invites you to go somewhere. The work-off might be that you will need to wait a while to go, or even that it might not happen at all.

So basically, choosing to get to a 3 is not a happy choice for you. Your job will be to decide whether or not to get 3’s Our job, sadly, will be to get them worked off. We will decide, in a calm way, what the work-off will be and when it will happen. The good news is that once 3’s are worked off, they are done, and we can start  over. That’s it!

Just remember-any behavior that is violent or hurts someone is an automatic 3.

As for the stars, earning stars is great!  They’re given for deciding to make good choices. Ten stars equal something special. We’re going to watch for star choices and cheer you on to get them!

Good luck with your choices!”

Yes, having a plan for when things go well, as well as having a plan for when they don’t, is important for everyone of all ages. Lining up our ducks is the smart  way to go!

MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY:
”Because I Said So” is Out.
Guiding is In!

by Jean Hamburg, Licsw
author of Cooperation Counts

Everywhere we go, there are rules of the road. The road I refer to includes the one on which we drive as well as other locations like restaurants, schools, libraries, parks, banks, on planes, and at home,  etc.  Rules vary from family to family, setting to setting, and culture to culture, but there are always boundaries of one kind or another and  the eternal question is “What happens when the rules are not followed?”

In the land of parenting, many adults hope that if they only teach the kids right from wrong, love them enough, and make sure they are well rested and have healthy diets, the rules will be followed.  Sometimes, this actually happens and sometimes, with the best of intentions, kids decide not to cooperate with even the most reasonable of requests. This is when adults need to swing into creative mode.  It is tempting to say, “It’s your fault, Erin. I told you the rule!  You are to be quiet as soon as I put Lucy in her crib!”  Sadly, because a child is told to do something, this is not an automatic formula for angelic responses.

There are many times when adults slip into ‘My Way or the Highway.’
“Jerry, I have told you since you were 4 to turn off the lights when you leave a room.  Now that you’re 14, I’m sick and tired of nagging about this.  What’s the matter with you? How many more times do I have to tell you to just turn off the lights?”

I often see tee shirts that read, “ Because I’m the Mom” (or the Grandpa or the Dad).  This is one situation where it is best not to believe everything that is in writing…….

The Erin and Jerry scenes of “Because I said so”  tactics will lead nowhere.  When the rules of the ‘road’ are broken, it is all about adult creativity and guidance.  This includes the challenges of considering enough circumstances to boggle the mind of a Pulitzer Prize winner,  yet parents are put in these “What do I do now?” situations as frequently as every few minutes!

In order to stay out of ineffective and even potentially harmful “Because I said so” traps, the first step is to be aware of them. Even if adults inadvertently jump into negativity and power traps, we can always climb out of them by saying something like, “Oops. I want to think about what I just said.  I’ll get right back to you.”

Being aware of ‘catching the kids doing something right’ along with positive guidance doesn’t hurt, either.  “I’m watching for a-quiet-as-a- mouse Erin.  Let’s tip-toe downstairs together, without saying a word so that Lucy can sleep.”

And in the Jerry and the lights scene, a far more effective response might be, “Lights, please.”

Putting energy into ‘setting them up for success’ is preferable to pulling rank.

Even if Erin decides to abandon her Mouse Mode and Jerry continues to forget about the off switch for the lights, adults have the ability to help guide the kids rather than yell at them.  It’s really much better that way!

Once again, Jean has been asked to do a Guest Blog Spot at the Can Do Street site.

Parents face challenges when the kids decide not to cooperate.

Check out: Ms. Curly Top and Her Wonderful Couch Adventure.

AFTER KID OUTBURSTS, THEN WHAT?

One Idea: Wait Patiently for the Calm After the Storm

Negative Kid Scenes

Joey has the bad habit of cursing like a sailor and usually AT someone.  As in most families, there turns out to be some ‘illegal’ words that emerge at various times, but the colorful language that comes out of Joey’s mouth is over the top!

Alison knows better than to scribble on her sister’s artwork, yet she does it whenever the special drawing is unprotected by an adult, and even then, she can get the deed done in the blink of an eye!

Whenever Lance can’t get his way, watch out!  There’s no telling what he will do to ‘express himself’. These scenes are worthy of an Academy Award, except everyone else is left in the kind of emotional turmoil that is definitely not enjoyable!

Kids lash out for multiple reasons and adults are expected to remain in thoughtful adult mode when being verbally and even physically assaulted by their cherished (most of the time) offspring.  Parenting in no picnic, but it is vital that adults find ways to regroup enough so as not to fall inadvertently into the trap(s) of kid negativity.

Negative Adult Scenes

“Joey, don’t you dare swear at me.  After everything I’ve done for you, is this  how you repay me?”

“Alison, I can’t believe you just wrecked your sister’s picture.  Look, she’s crying and you don’t even care.  That is very selfish. I’ve told you a thousand times, you don’t need to be jealous of her.  No TV tonight, and that’s it !”

“Lance, there you go again! Just because I said ‘no’ about the ice cream, you’re screaming your head off over absolutely nothing.  What’s the matter with you? STOP IT RIGHT NOW!”

Alternatives to Negative Reactions to Difficult Kid Behaviors

Let’s agree to ban: “Don’t you dare…….” “I can’t believe you….” “Stop that!”   Let’s replace these ineffective and hostile phrases with ones that will be non-critical. For example: “I can see that you are REALLY mad.” “I’ll wait with you until you feel calmer,” “I’ll give you some space but I’ll be right in the kitchen and I’ll check back with you,” Often kids will just run after us, continuing the tirade.  If they do, then continue to say, “I’m still here, waiting for you to feel calmer.”

Switching Adult Gears

Kids’ rages are often not about the swearing, destruction and screaming.  Nothing will be solved during the heat of a scene.  Loving parents, who have been flooded by their raging children can have a really hard time regrouping, yet that is exactly what is needed.  “I’m not just a  machine that can be turned off and on just like that” is a common lament ,but adults hold the keys to a successful outcome.

Taking a few breaths and saying calmly, “I’ll get right back to you” is much safer than demanding unrealistically mature behaviors.

Of course, when a child is done he expects their exhausted parents to swing into talk about baseball. It’s hard not to take the recent ‘assaults’ personally but parenting has never been defined as easy.

As it turns out, “I’ll wait until you feel more calm” can be one powerful phrase!

Image credit: familymwr

In the spirit of appreciating the fact that adults cannot make a child of any age do something she does not want to do, it is vital to get creative about a plan if the child’s choice is not compatible with the adults.

Stacy was nine and had a BIG temper.  She also had two parents and a therapist, and was an avid ice skater. Although she had participated in a specialized classroom setting for quite some time (oh that temper!), she was now back in a regular education class and, with a little extra help, was doing well.

Yes, the doing well part was firmly in place at school but definitely not at home, and everyone for blocks around knew when things did not go Stacy’s way!

The Cooperation Counts program was firmly in place and everyone was in a much better ‘place’; however, we know that all relationships, personalities, and histories are complex. Stacy’s previously frazzled family was much better at not inadvertently making things worse, they stayed out of power struggles, adjusted their expectations, followed through with effective praise and consequences (minus punishments), but Stacy’s home explosions were a wonder to behold—and not the wonderful kind!

Stacy’s grandparents had taken her to a spectacular Ice Show over the school vacation break last year and they all looked forward to repeating this grand adventure. The tickets were bought and the big day arrived.  While getting ready, Stacy was reminded to brush her teeth and suddenly, she snapped, and this was a big one!

They had 3 hours before they needed to leave for the show.

After about an hour of screeching, etc., she settled down to have breakfast but her family was in a state of confusion about what to do about the Ice Show and the Terrible Morning.

The Meeting

The adults had a meeting to discuss the options, which definitely did not include attending the Ice Show.  Of that, they were certain.  They calmly stated that fact and made arrangements for someone else to take the ticket, but what to do with the day was a puzzle, so they invited Stacey to join them in the meeting.  They asked for her input about the rest of the day.  Much to their shock, she said, “I think that I should brush my teeth, read five chapters of my book, and then play my video games.”  She was asked if she had any other thoughts and she did not.

The adults considered her ideas and then, the grandfather (who agreed to be the spokesman for the adults) said, “I like the idea of the tooth brushing and the reading.  I also like the idea of playing the video games but there needs to be some consideration about when the games are played.  I think the best thing would be to brush your  teeth, read as much as you’d like, and if you’d like to eat dinner early, take your shower, and be ready for bed, we agree that you could play video games after 6:00 tonight. Your ideas are good. This is what we will agree to.”

Again, to their shock, Stacey remained calm, thought about it, and went into the bathroom,  appeared with her electric toothbrush and used it. She received a  ‘delayed brushing your teeth’ star on her star chart, and Dad offered to take her to the library so that they were sure to have the next book in the beloved reading series.  Stacey declined and Dad let that pass, stating that he would be available to take her later, if she chose to do so.

The Grandparents got ready to go to pick up the lucky recipient of the Ice Show ticket, and Stacey decided to have a pretty good day.  Dad was not interested in many expectations, other than the meeting outcome and he cheered her on, as he made it clear that playing the video games after six would be wonderful.

It all went well.  If it hadn’t, sadly, the video games would have been ‘out’.  The key word here is ‘sadly’.

Stacey made it through the day without incident.  Her teeth were brushed, she found things to do, she decided to shower (actually early), ate dinner, was ready for bed and was all set by about a quarter to six. Dad helped with the countdown. They did a high five when the clock turned six and the video games began !

Involving the kids in a respectful way certainly can’t hurt anything, and might even help.  Of course, the day could have been a complete disaster and that would have been sad, but it would have been Stacey’s choice and everyone else was ready to move on, whether or not there were video games that evening.

Being heard can be soothing.

Meetings can be helpful.

Ashleigh, mother of five and blogger over at A Mom’s Take posted a review of Cooperation Counts and is running a give away where readers can win a copy of the book. Check it out here.

By Jean Hamburg, Licsw,

Author of Cooperation Counts.

Dave was loving being a grandfather, but there were a few challenges along the way.  His daughter, Lisbeth and his five-year-old grandchild, Samantha, lived some distance away. But whenever they were able to come to visit, their time together was challenging, to say the least.  Samantha was a sweet child, but one who loved to get her own way. Lisbeth didn’t particularly appreciate it when Sometimes-Sweet- Samantha drew a clear, firm line in the sand and, for example, refused to brush her teeth.  This refusal was not a quiet one.  Actually, everyone within ear shot clearly knew Samantha’s stance about her teeth as well as when various other daily life requests were not to her liking.  Lisbeth described Samantha as ‘stubborn’ and this unfortunate description led to even more specific refusals, such as: “I WILL NOT BRUSH MY TEETH. I’M STUBBORN AND I JUST WON’T.”

Oops!

What was needed in these no-win negative scenes were some adjustments on Mom’s part.  Samantha had little to do with it.

Grandpa Dave knew about a special star chart that he had seen on the Cooperation Counts program website: www.cooperationcounts.com  and on their very next visit, he decided to tell his overwhelmed daughter about it. They agreed to start using the special star chart, telling Little-Miss-Stubborn  that they were looking for good choices and that ten stars meant something special for her.

Mom and Grandpa went about the fun business of catching Samantha ‘doing something right’ and Grandpa and Mom cheered her on.  “How many times have I told you to brush your teeth.  Do it now!” was replaced with, “Way to go, Samantha!”

Here’s what her chart began to look like:

SAMANTHA

Date_1-29-12 Got into p.j.’s quickly_

Date_1-29-12   Very gentle with the cat

Date_1-30-12_ Put dirty clothes in the hamper

Date_1-30-12  Brushed her teeth 
Date_1-30-12_ __Helped with the groceries_

AND SO ON……. ALL THE WAY DOWN TO 10 STARS WHICH WAS:

Something special !  Going to the park with Mom and Grandpa

Part of the magic of this kind of chart was that compliments, even when enthusiastically given, did not disappear into the universe.  The stars were actually read aloud: at dinner, after breakfast, anytime anyone wanted to read or hear them!  This highlighted Now-Proud- Samantha’s wonderful choices. Power struggles disappeared. Samantha was the one who decided whether or not to cooperate.

And as it turned out, Mom and Grandpa made a wonderful cheering squad and Samantha was only too happy to be the recipient of their enthusiastic support,

Yes, little changes make a big difference!

About Departures and Teeth: Let’s See What the Kids Decide to Do

By Jean Hamburg

Author of Cooperation Counts.

I have the pleasure of meeting with many families and when I ask for a wish list of what would make everyone tickled pink if there were to be changes, the top winners are:

Adults:  tooth brushing and getting out in the morning,-on time.

Kids : having the freedom to decide whether or not to brush their very own teeth, and not being nagged in the morning.

It is clear, parents generally seem to care more about the tooth brushing and leaving on time than the kids do.

In my view, nothing will change unless the parents make some adjustments.  When well meaning parents nag, threaten, bribe, yell or show almost any level of desperation, things usually get worse.

A SIMPLE SOLUTION FOR NOT SO SIMPLE SITUATIONS: DO VERY LITTLE, AND THEN DO EVEN LESS!

Power struggles are nasty and adults will usually never win them, so it is best to stay out of them altogether.  Easier said than done?  Consider asking a lot of questions and giving brief information.  Translation: playing dumb can be a good thing.

AVOIDING POSSIBLE PARENTAL PITFALLS

“What time does the late bell ring?”  Let’s say the answer is 8:15.

“How long does it take you to get to school?

“It is now 7:30.  That gives you 45 minutes to get there, if you want to be on time.” (key word- you)

“It is now 7:50.  That gives you 25 minutes to leave the house get if you want to be on time.”

“The car (or the bus, neighbor’s car, etc.) is leaving in 30 minutes.”  “The car is leaving in 10 minutes.”  “It’s almost time for the car to leave.”   “Now, the car is leaving.”

Notice what is missing:  “You have to get out of bed now!”, “Your breath is going to smell if you don’t brush your teeth.”  “It’s embarrassing for the family if you go without brushing your hair.”  “I told you to do your homework last night.”  “ Your clothes don’t match! “If you don’t get down here right now, you are going to be late and you might not care, but I do!”

By this time, the adults are often driven to distraction and the kids get slower….and slower…..and…….

I do not know of any child who has died from missing breakfast, going to school in mismatched clothing, having a bad hair day and with breath smelling bad.  There might be a case somewhere in the world but……………..

Note: it is perfectly kosher for parents to call in information to school regarding the fact that the children are appearing in a condition not condoned by the adults.

THE BEAUTY OF BACK-UP PLANS

Creative back-up plans should be made and able to be implemented

in the very likely event that there will not be a timely morning launch.

Of course, there will be consequences-not punishments- in the event that there are poor choices. Some consequences will be natural ones (usually at school) and some will be (very sadly) at home.

HEADING FOR STAR CHOICES

It is vital to notice those who are deciding to cooperate.  Less attention on the dragging-their-feet ones and focusing positive praise on the others, is essential.  It is also a lot of fun! Give it a try!

Good news! Jean has been invited to be a guest blogger on the well-known Can Do Street Kids 3-7 website. “About Public Tantrums and Car Crimes” has now been posted.